Birth Control.

 

Things have been happening. Jay wrote a really funny post about Spokane and the journey there. It was a trip, to say the least. Anyway, Jay's post is really funny and I will not even try to do better; so read Jay's.

 

Yellowstone. We camped at a KOA campground Monday night, which my mother afterwards told me is the STD capital of the world; this is funny only in that I thought the U of A was. Either way, I don't think any of us celibates really have anything to worry about. Speaking of celibacy…

 

I have been reading a lot about the renewed fight between comprehensive and abstinence-only sex-education programs; I have a better idea. Follow around, on a family vacation to Disneyland, any family of two or more kids + Mom + Dad. Allow me to explain.

 

The father, and perhaps, increasingly in modernity, the mother as well, has/have worked for 11 months and 2 weeks, statistically at jobs they loathe, just to take the lil' tykes on the vacation of their dreams. This 11 months and 2 weeks of miserable work would be summarized in the first 5 minutes of the sex-ed video.

 

From the moment the family gets in the car to drive from Nowhere, USA, to Somewhere, CA, the whole thing just flies off the handle. Lil' tyke 1 is punching #2, dad is angry at #2 for crying, mom at #1 for hitting, and mom at dad for a whole slew of other reasons, many from when they were still dating some years ago.

 

Scene three, arrival at Disneyland, is just a montage of credit card swipes, possibly even sponsored by VISA, "it's everywhere you could possibly imagine spending money, including the churro stand." After $75 worth of food made exclusively from sugar, the tykes get mad at dad because he won't by them personalized Mickey ears. They go crying to mom, talking about how much they hate dad, and mom more or less agrees with them. The three go off and leave dad bewildered by the churro stand.

 

At this point, a giggling Donald Duck approaches and says, "Hey Dad! Are you enjoying your vacation?" I would never have kids, and probably never have sex had I seen that in middle school.

 

Funny Things About Yellowstone:

1. Facial Hair – Are we familiar with the handlebar mustache? This KOA could have written the textbook on freaky facial hair. I saw a man with a beard on top of a beard. It was terrifying and beautiful at the same time.

2. Wi-Fi and Cell Towers – I love the great outdoors, especially when sitting on top of the RV, cool bear in hand, watching YouTube videos. Luckily, none of the slice of America we heard yapping on their cell phones had nauseating accents. That would have been too much…

3. The Recreational Vehicle. The RV is interesting for two reasons.

            a: Phonetics: There is a tendency to write an RV, not a RV. An Artist. An RV. Say it out loud for a while.

            b. Some RVs cost as much as $200,000. $200,000 = 10 17-inch MacBook Pros ($30,000), 2 cases Johnny Walker Blue Label ($10,000), 2 Round-Trip tickets to Argentina ($8,000), 6 Months living expenses in Argentina ($12,000),  Personal Paella Catered by Gerard Nevesky ($10,000),  a large house in Dubois, Wyoming ($30,000), Mayorship of Dubois ($10,000), a dead black-market Panda bear ($80,000),  one terrible roulette wager on Black ($10,000).

 

For $200,000, the RV had better wake me up with a kiss and breakfast every morning.

 

4. Hanging out on my computer in the KOA, I met Noah, 18 from Atlanta. Cool kid. Starting school in Macon, GA this semester. We then met two girls, age 14, who asked to us my computer to check their Myspace pages. I agreed, thus beginning the confirmation of every fear I hold for the present generation. I used the word 'impressive,' and they told me I was "real smart." I had to keep reminding myself I was nine years older, but really, the gears just weren't clicking. As they read aloud the incredible amount of disturbing messages they receive from Myspace men, I tried to retain faith in humanity. It was hard. But Noah was cool, as Noahs tend to be.

 

5. The Ho-Hum motel, located in West Yellowstone, MT, is not a nice place to stay, but the name is right.

 

6. I have a bit of an emergence. Every time I close my cell phone, it turns off. I'm not asking for an iPhone, rather whatever exceptional phone you had before buying the iPhone. Anybody?

 

xoxo